I Failed Parenting Class. Twice.

try and try as i might

My husband and I attended Positive Discipline parenting courses when our kids were 4 and 7 and then Positive Discipline for Teens about 6 years later. Conceptually it seemed like the perfect salve for our parenting woes. We could easily identify that we didn’t have enough structure, consistency, or rules that we regularly enforced. I was the one who spent the most time actively parenting, and I often felt frustrated by my inability to effectively change my own behavior. If I’m being totally honest, I lacked the understanding or skill to pull off what Positive Discipline was teaching. Undaunted by my own ignorance, I figured it was nothing a fat stack of books, parenting classes, and the fierce desire to change myself and everyone in my family couldn’t fix, right? Positive Discipline touted kindness, patience, rules, boundaries, and training your kids for understanding as key principals to their philosophy. This course seemed like a perfect fit for us.

OH! just behave!

My strongest recollection of those in-person classes (remember doing things in person?) was how focused all the parents were on getting kids to behave or stop behaving in the way that kids have a tendency to behave. You know, like kids. The room was full of worn out, frustrated parents who, above all wanted compliance [because if the kids just behaved the way they were supposed to, the parents would feel much better about themselves and their kids]. Therefore the conversation was focused on behavior. We knew or learned that as parents our own behavior would effect our kid’s behavior. In fact, parental behavior would model ideal behavior for the child and eventually the seed of good behavior would sprout forth from the child. Easy-Peasy.

there was a missing foundational understanding (for me)

So, why did I feel like I failed the parenting class? My husband and I both learned some skills and things did improve, but in those very frustrating moments when there was a major up-level of emotion we both lost track of what we learned. At that point habitual emotional states and behaviors overtook our minds and bodies, because that’s what emotions do. My husband and I had never learned how to manage uncomfortable emotions in our families of origin. I don’t say this to place blame upon our parents, it’s just how things were in both of our childhood homes. Things went along smoothly most of the time, but when they didn’t it was an emotional free for all.

The missing link in Positive Discipline for us (and maybe other parents?): Emotions. Emotional triggers, emotional responses, the sometimes urgent desire to not feel what we’re feeling, or change the way our kids were feeling. Avoidance and rigidity are two common fear responses to a perceived threat our misbehaving child poses (eg; when they don’t do their homework or clean their room we project into the future that they’ll be unemployable, friendless, or their behavior will cause some other undesirable outcome for a life with so much obvious potential unless something is changed. Right! Now!).

necessary prerequisite for any parenting class

Emotional Regulation classes should be a prerequisite for parenting classes. Learn how to regulate your emotions in moments of mild to extreme emotional discomfort and you will be capable of positively transforming yourself. Transformation sounds oh so dramatic–and it is. It’s within everyone’s grasp, and it’s worth the effort to reach for it. Even if that means burning an effigy of your former self in the back yard. You won’t have to burn an effigy, but some mindfulness training, and a commitment to take responsibility for your own feelings and allow people in your family to be fully responsible for their own feelings is such a solid beginning for transformation.

Transformation vs Fix

There is a difference between transforming ourselves and our relationships and “fixing things” at home or for our kids. When we set forth to fix things we are looking for a particular outcome, such as a successful adult child. We’re also, identifying someone as broken, when really they are just human. Transformation on the other hand is not about immediate gratification, and it is not focused on changing anyone. It’s about taking full responsibility for our emotions. Full stop. It’s about allowing ourselves and our children to feel, even those uncomfortable feelings. We don’t try to talk people out of what they’re feeling. We sit with them while they feel it. We let them talk and we listen. If we can do that for ourselves, our partners, and our kids without judging, we have taken the first step to transforming ourselves. This doesn’t mean your “kids will be fixed” - they don’t need fixing and neither do you. What it means is you get to be fully and completely in control of You.