Sabbatical for Drama Queens
Dearest Drama Queen;
Life doesn’t have to be so damn dramatic. But for some of us, the drama doesn’t feel optional, and often the drama is unintended. For the unintentional drama queens among us, there’s just a lot of emotion and no idea how to manage it. This used to be me–and if I’m honest, I still have some dramatic moments. Absent from my childhood home life was any direct, explicit discussion of feelings, what to do when you have them, and how to be responsible for your feelings and allow others to be responsible for theirs. Full Stop.
Most families have one or more emotions that are not permitted. In my house, emotions that weren’t “positive” were uncomfortable and were shushed, admonished, or ignored. A popular method of dealing with emotions is someone trying to talk you out of the feelings; I bet you know just what I mean. In our house, there was some reverence for anger, not that it was used with abandon; in fact, it was often felt but not expressed. However, if someone got angry enough to express it outwardly, that was something to behold and respect. Do you have a child who you’ve labeled a “Drama Queen,” or has someone labeled you one? Maybe it’s time to let those emotions out and start learning and talking about them.
Here’s what I discovered about being human: One of the most challenging and transformative experiences in dealing with difficult feelings or events is surrendering and accepting where you are and to what’s happening. When I surrendered, I could go places I hadn’t been willing or able to go before. As I reflect on one such time, the word embodied rises to meet me – I occupied my entire body and being. I didn’t spend my energy on petty notions and daydreams; I experienced and processed many wounds I didn’t even know I had. I’m grateful for such challenges and the determination to face them.
One vital lesson I learned about relationships that sparked a great deal of curiosity and healing was learning about the Karpman triangle, also known as the Dreaded Drama Triangle (or DDT). Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman developed the DDT in the late 1960s. It is a model of dysfunctional interactions that occur in relationships and affect the majority of the human race. All roles in the triangle have ulterior motives and payoffs–each one feels like a victim on some level. The roles around the triangle can be played with self or another, i.e., spouse, child, friend, circumstance, co-worker, etc.; everyone plays more than one role but likely has a “starting gate” drama role.
The difficulty with the DDT is that it’s unpleasant to identify with victimhood. Without taking full responsibility for occupying one or more roles on the triangle, you won’t get much out of DDT work. Nobody likes to think of themselves as a victim, a persecutor, or a rescuer - (all of them believe they are victims). If you live in defense mode, you may be tempted to deny or reject the notion that you could land anywhere on the triangle. Trust me when I say, though, that if you are having difficulty in your relationships, then you’re likely riding the DDT train.
Empower Yourself
Be responsible for yourself and take control of the one thing you have control over; yourself. To learn more about The Dreaded Drama Triangle pop over to Lynne Forrest’s blog post about The Three Faces of the Victim. When I read her post I began coming to terms with my own victim story. Once I examined my own victim story it was possible to overcome and release it.
