Finally Get a Grip on Boundaries
The Elusive Boundary
Are you emotionally triggered?
Why is it so damn hard to create and maintain boundaries? The short answer is: Emotions, Emotional Triggers that ignite uncomfortable emotions, and the Urgent Need to stop feeling uncomfortable emotions. Further complicated by the misunderstanding of what a boundary is and what a boundary is not. If you want to get a grip on boundaries, you’ve got to get a grip on your emotions and you need to correctly define a boundary.
Boundary Building Blocks
What is a Boundary, really?
Let’s begin with what a boundary is NOT: It’s not a Rule. Rules created with the intention of fostering structure, clarity, purpose, productivity, and positive social interactions are useful tools. They’re essential tools, but they aren’t boundaries.
What happens to your emotional state when a rule gets broken or a situation has you feeling emotionally reactive is the exact location of your boundary or lack of one. What does it feel like when rules get broken or ignored? How do you respond to yourself and others when you feel angry, sad, anxious, or confused? To understand boundaries we must investigate emotions, especially uncomfortable ones.
A boundary is a healthy, regulated emotional response to uncomfortable emotions in the midst of relational or situational distress.
It’s a simple definition. And it’s really difficult to accomplish for the vast majority of humans. Your body’s physiological response to your mind’s perception of a potential threat is not something you just decide to stop experiencing. Human instinct of fight, flight, or freeze is an automatic physiological threat response. The current-day dilemma to this instinct, which was so useful for human survival, is that most perceived threats are not actual threats, at least not as dyer as our physiological response prepares us for. Healthy Boundaries keep you grounded in reality. Reality is a great place to be grounded, especially these days.
The good news is; it’s possible to create healthy boundaries even if you have been frustrated by the effort in the past. What you need is to understand what goes into building a boundary.
boundary building block components:
Buffer Zone from Emotional Triggers: The ground on which you build. - The buffer zone is comprised of Awareness and Ownership. Awareness of your feelings and Knowledge that you alone are responsible for what and how you feel. To be aware and personally responsible for how you feel is essential to healthy boundaries.
Rational Thought: Foundation - Rational thought resides at the Buffer Zone and is the foundation of your healthy boundary. Use rational thought to explore the uncomfortable feeling without judgement of yourself or others.
Emotional Responsibility: Building Block - Own. Your. Feelings. When you own your feelings, you are taking full responsibility for your state of mind. When you experience a feeling, good, difficult or neutral, the causation of that feeling is a combination of your lived experience, and your mindset. This holds true for other people’s feelings. You are not the cause of other people’s feelings. Honestly you’re not.
Clarity, Kindness, Patience, and Compassion: Mortar - This magical mix inspires emotional-ease and you will need to use a generous amount of it to maintain your grip and build strong boundaries. Together Clarity, Kindness, Patience, and Compassion dispel shame, blame, and that feeling of Urgency that often undermines a healthy boundary.
Not Just a Flip of the Switch
self evolution takes time
Now you have a grip on what makes a boundary, right? It’s a great start to a slow, intentional evolution. Practice is necessary to build new neural pathways for lasting change. Success and failure are both necessary in this process, so don’t give up! Failure is just another word for Learning. Use every one of your experiences to further your personal evolution. They all count.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
