Poor Me!

Why, Oh Why?

the unconscious mindset that prevents Personal Growth

I often find myself emphasizing the importance of boundaries, particularly emotional boundaries. Like many people, I grew up without clear boundaries of any kind. When I became a parent, I read a lot about boundaries that mostly revolved around establishing and enforcing rules. There was little to no mention of emotional regulation for the parent, and instead, a lot of criticism aimed at those deemed 'spineless' or 'overindulgent' parents. It wasn't until I heard the phrase “emotional boundaries” that I got an inkling there was more to a boundary than a rule. The description of an emotional boundary is that it requires taking full responsibility for one’s own emotions and also not trying to fix, appease, cheer up, or rescue others. That is when I recognized my tendency to assume a more martyr-like role. In other words, I was operating from a victim consciousness. Ugh, that’s uncomfortable to admit, even to myself. And uncomfortable to ask you, dear reader, to take a compassionate look at your own relationship to boundaries, emotions, and the state of your consciousness.

Emotional boundaries are vital for our emotional well-being and play a significant role in the condition of our mental health and relationships. Boundaries of all sorts greatly benefit our relationship with ourselves, which, in turn, influences all other relationships we have. If we struggle to relate to, accept, forgive, and love ourselves, we are sensitive to our perception of what others think about us. Often, this means that we jump to conclusions about the feelings, behaviors, and intentions of others. The truth is, we can not know what is inside of another person’s mind and heart. It’s forever changing, just like our own minds and hearts. Genuine connections with others become easier to forge when we are rooted in self-acceptance, flaws, and all. As a parent, a healthy boundary will foster healthy attachment for yourself and your child.

Victim Consciousness is a common obstacle to personal growth.

Any time we feel emotionally uncomfortable and attribute responsibility for our feeling-state to someone other than ourselves, we enter the victim mindset. There are situations in which individuals have been preyed upon in which they have been victimized. That’s not what I’m talking about here. It’s the consciousness we step into each day and how we take responsibility for ourselves, our interactions, our successes, and our failures - or we don’t. What lens do you filter your experiences with? And then, what do you make it mean about yourself and others?

Pause and Check-In

I want to take a moment here to acknowledge the individuals and groups who face daily difficulties and challenges due to various circumstances, such as race, appearance, gender identity, generational poverty, or sexual orientation. These disparities are undeniably real, and it's important to recognize that the difficulties and realities each of us faces are not identical. This is an undeniable truth.

However, regardless of our identities or the specific challenges we encounter, we can all reclaim some power by cultivating an observer consciousness. We can all aim to keep this truth in mind and reconnect with our own humanity in a genuine way. By doing so, we can develop the capacity to recognize and honor the shared humanity in others.

Urgency Undermines Boundaries

sense of urgency feeds sense of victimhood

If you feel a sense of urgency about something that objectively isn't urgent—no fires are blazing, and no one's life is in immediate danger—then you may be on the verge of slipping into a victim mentality. For instance, let's consider a situation where your child is crying because their feelings are hurt. Do you find yourself rushing to cheer them up and assure them that everything will be okay, without truly listening and attuning to what they're experiencing? Are you more focused on trying to fix their emotions rather than being fully present with them? Emotions are by nature fleeting if you hold this in mind while you are present with them and make no attempts to talk them out of their feelings, you’re on your way to understanding an emotional boundary.

Now, let's shift the focus to your own experiences. When your feelings are hurt, do you tend to blame someone else for how you feel? Do you demand that they take responsibility for your emotions or expect them to change their behavior, feelings, or beliefs? Reflecting on these patterns and how they might impact your relationships and overall well-being is important.

When you become aware of this urgent need to "fix" something, it's the perfect opportunity to pause and check in with your body and the well-worn narrative that accompanies the familiar physical sensations. Take a moment to reflect on what is truly happening. Feelings are information not necessarily reflective of reality or truth.

Here and Now

step out of urgency and into reality

Shifting from one consciousness, like victim consciousness to observer consciousness takes time. But first, this takes awareness. We are all capable of creating space to do this work. Victor Frankl’s famous quote encapsulates this, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”