Building Boundaries: Part 3
Choose discomfort over resentment.
Holding boundaries during difficult times can be tough. Lean in.
emotional unrest and boundaries
Maintaining inner boundaries during times of stress, such as parenting [struggling] teens or transitions in work or relationships can be difficult and all-consuming. Recently I was asked this question:
“What’s the best advice you were ever given?”
Well that’s a big and loaded question. At a critical point in my parenting experience I got the following Life Changing Advice that I’m eternally grateful for:
“Do Your Own Work. Let Go of the Outcome. Trust the Process.”
It wasn’t advice I wanted to hear. I didn’t know how to embrace it, or even how to approach it. All my energy was going towards solving a very real problem and putting attention towards myself at that point seemed irresponsible and uncaring. What did any of that advice even mean? What is “my own work”? I definitely did NOT want to “let go of the outcome”, that sounded stupid. As for “trust the process” well, I didn’t because it seemed to me that there is no definitive process when you let go of the outcome, duh. When I got that advice one of my sons was struggling. His struggles began in kindergarten and seemed to come to a head as a freshman in high school. How on earth could I not fully and completely be focused on him, his needs, his feelings, his worries, his life? You can guess where this is going, right? Yes, this is about boundaries, more specifically overcoming a lack of boundaries in the face of my fear for my child’s wellbeing. Which is a dramatic statement, it was a dramatic time in my life, in our lives. I felt so completely lost and anxious, I really needed my own attention but was absolutely not giving it to myself. Because I lacked boundaries I believed that I could change his feelings, direction, self-esteem, motivation; I believed that if he would just let me, I could fix things for him. If he would just listen and do what what we asked of him he would feel confident, get good grades, feel better, be the best version of himself.
“What did this advice allow you to re-frame?”
Oh boy. Here’s something I’ve come to understand about that time in my life, while it isn’t as simple as cut and dry or black and white, there is heaviness and truth to the following realization: My fears about my son were enmeshed with my fears about myself; “how differently my life could have been if only someone saw my learning struggles”; “what have I done wrong to cause my son to_”; “what if he doesn’t graduate high school”; “what if he doesn’t succeed?”; “What would his failure say about my/our parenting?”. I thought if I could fix him I could feel better, I could fix myself. The energy I was expending on these questions and my worry meant I didn’t use my time and energy trying to figure my own shit out, which I now know is the best way to help in any stressful situation. It’s counter-intuitively unselfish to “do your own work”. When you focus so completely on another person, in this case my child, I was actually making him responsible for me. The saying that goes something like this: “You’re only doing as well as your least well child” is a shining example of a lack of boundaries. Had I understood that I needed to tend to my own wounds, and been present and willing to hear his troubles without trying to solve them, the struggles would not have been as frenzied and felt all-encompassing.
The Re-frame: Other people’s feelings are not my responsibility, my feelings are not anyone else’s responsibility, success is not a one size fits all (though I already believed this, I took on a more radical understanding of self-defined success), there is no “fixing” another person, the best way to help is to be present and listen and witness with compassion, empathy and love. And finally, another key understanding about myself: Urgency is fear, and for me a sense of urgency means I am in danger of violating a boundary.
how to respect boundaries in times of stress
Holding boundaries in the best of circumstances takes practice, sometimes it goes smoothly and sometimes it does not. In my experience, taking a “wise time-out” when I initially recognition that I am feeling confusion combined with a lot of emotion is the best step in holding my boundaries. This is different than my life-long tendency to withdraw from emotional discomfort or retreat from an obstacle. If I’m being honest, the intent of my past tendency to withdraw was to sting or hurt the other person as much as it was to understand what I was feeling and why. There’s a big difference between withdrawal and wise time out and it requires communication before or after you take it. The “wise” component is removing blame and taking the space and time to bring light to what is going on before there is a battle: Separate the inside feelings from what is happening outside. What it looks like for me is a hike, meditation, time in my art studio, or writing my thoughts out and can take anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. I’m still mastering communicating this need to the people in my life. The WTO is the space between you and the people or situation that is causing the urgent need to fix or blame. It’s time to reflect on what piece of the situation belongs to you and to take full responsibility for it.
There will likely be an adjustment period for you and the people in your life to master a new way of connecting or being together. How magnificent and useful to talk about the concept of “wise time out” in advance of needing it would be! As with all of life, this is a process. Don’t give up if you get off to a rocky start. Healthy relationships depend on healthy boundaries and healthy approaches to working through discomfort, difficulty, and strife.
How did letting go turn out?
I’m happy to report that doing my own work and letting go of the outcome has turned out well for me and the people around me. We all still have the same obstacles we had before, anxiety, self doubt, and more. The difference between the before and after: Less anxiety for me, better connection with my sons - they feels heard and seen, better connection with my husband, better understanding of the roots of my big emotions, less strife all around, less urgency in my daily life. My son is a senior in high school and he’s gotten acceptance letters from 4 of the 6 colleges he’s applied to and is waiting to hear from the other two. But what’s even better is he’s thinking about taking a gap year - why is that better? Because he is listening to himself and what he needs and he’s learning to trust himself, and trust that we will hear and see him without judging or trying to talk him out of or into something we want for him. I know we will meet with new challenges, we will always have room to grow, but having gone through this process I know we can manage the next big thing together with our new skills. Boundaries really are beautiful, friends.
