Building Boundaries: Part 1

Inner Boundaries

"Free will does not necessarily imply that we choose our outcomes or even our life direction. It means instead that we get to decide, in this moment, what we will line up with - the unhappy, misery-generating story about ourselves & life, or with a Reality that is ultimately happening for our own highest good." ~Lynne Forrest

Hello, beautiful soul!

You’re perfect just as you are and you’ve got room to grow. Personal growth often requires us to ask ourselves hard questions, be uncomfortable with some of the answers, and take action to change that which no longer serves us. Change from the inside is the most lasting and empowering change there is. Inner change inspires personal evolution, human connection, and wellbeing. (wellbeing: noun: the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy.)

I want to share with you something that helped me transform the state of my inner world from anxious and defensive to a state of wellbeing: Boundaries. It took a lot of work, I had a lot of emotional reflexes I needed to unlearn! If you are willing to explore this important work I am confident you will be able to achieve a state of wellbeing, too.

Understanding Inner Boundaries, the foundation

Boundaries are so much more than “No” to offering your time, effort or resources. I want to focus on boundaries around our inner state of being; what we do with and about our emotions. I’ve come to think of boundaries in layers. The first, and I believe most important layer to get clarity on is the inner boundary. An inner boundary is really simple; it’s the ownership of your own emotions and no one else’s. Your personal internal weather conditions may change from external conditions, but they are always under your ownership, even if they change due to unforeseen external conditions. It’s simple, but it isn’t always easy. Once you have the inner boundary securely in place transformation is possible. Here’s what you need to surrender to: Accept, own, and care for your own feelings, without judgement. This means you don’t blame others for how you are feeling or how you are behaving. (example: “You made me do, say or feel _”) And you don’t beat yourself up for having feelings. Don’t skip the “without judgement” piece, it’s essential. Feelings are always real, you don’t control what feelings you have, they are chemical responses, often to social situations. With emotions, the only control you have is how you respond to them. With practice you can cultivate an inner state that is biased towards positive emotions. Starting point for that is inner boundaries. I can tell you, from my own experience, this shift was the pivot point for me to create a healthier state of mind. Once you own your response to everything in your life, you will feel a shift in reality. Certainly, there are situations and circumstances we don’t cause or invite. I’m not suggesting you take responsibility for someone else’s actions, but once something has happened to you, your responsibility is how you respond, and that includes recognizing your feelings and what has triggered them.

exercise: Visualize Your emotions inside your Boundary

If you’re a visual person, it may be helpful to use this as a tool to help you embody and own your emotions. A visualization exercise I found useful for achieving an embodied sense of a boundary was to visualize my feelings being contained within me. At some point I started visualizing other people’s feelings inside them as well. It helped me to take ownership of my own feeling state and allow other people to own their feelings. I felt less compelled to talk them out of their feelings, no matter how uncomfortable their feelings made me want to “fix things” for them or problem solve with them, I kept that to myself. Not needing to fix a feeling allowed me to be more present with my family and friends through their emotional discomfort which is deeply supportive and compassionate.

Creative Practices that Improve strength & resilience

You can cultivate a calm and open state of mind by using daily self-care practices such as: Gratitude Journal, Meditation Practice, Journaling, Connect with nature, and Making Art, to name a few.