Fictional Effective Disorder
Don’t believe everything you think.
You have the power to choose what you believe, choose the most valuable reality.
It’s Friday and I’m getting ready to attend my boys' high school football games, which I both want to attend and dread just a little. I’m having a hard time today. Here’s why: attending school events causes me enough social anxiety to bring out all my weirdest parts. I’m overly friendly to people I don’t really know - or frosty. I attempt confidence when really I feel exposed and vulnerable. I try to give off the impression that I don’t feel like a misfit among all these folks whose kids have been growing up alongside mine for over a decade. My Friday night persona is to benefit me and how I experience myself in the realm of school related events. Yet as I prepare to head out I feel like a compilation of my worst moments - all across my life; like everyone can sniff them out or see them emanating from my form. WTF, people?
All I need to do is Pause long enough to question all these feelings and thoughts and I realize this state I have gotten myself into is based on fiction. If I could name this state of mine it would be "Fictional Effective Disorder." I have been resisting the Almighty Pause. This is a decision to be a victim. You may be wondering, "What if it isn’t fiction and people are judging me?” My answer, if this is true then they are writing fiction in their minds, too. The reality is I cannot know what people think of me or my kids unless they tell me. People form opinions about others based on their own histories and experiences. Sometimes people are generous and compassionate with their opinions. Sometimes people are not and will select data points that support what they want to believe. The truth of the matter is this thing I call Me, this thing you call You, we are not static beings, we are energy in constant flow. Like a stream or river. The stream may always be there but the water is flowing. It's never exactly the same stream. We are never the exact same being.
My job on Friday nights is to be there to watch my boys play football, support their teams, and spend a few hours with my husband on the chain gang. It’s fun! It’s family night, surrounded by a whole bunch of other families. And I choose to believe those other folks are good people who love their kids and enjoy the excitement of a football game, smiling, cheering, and connecting. And I’m pretty sure they don’t give me or my offspring a second thought, other than when they hear their names announced for a block or righteous tackle.
What fictional story are you stuck telling yourself that holds you back from fully embodying your courageous self?
